WELCOME TO EARTH: A BRIEFING GONE WRONG

A comedy sketch by two somewhat-concerned future aliens Characters: Zorblax – seasoned cosmic traveler, overly serious. Plip – excitable, easily horrified, loves Earth snacks. SCENE: A small, humming spacecraft hovering above Earth. The Earth spins slowly below. Their AI screen flashes red: “WARNING: INFORMATION CHAOS DETECTED.” Zorblax: AI says we should prepare before interacting with Earthlings. Apparently they’re in a… checks tablet “heightened state of imaginative turbulence.” Plip: Imaginative turbulence? Like what—poetry? Fan fiction? Zorblax: If only. It says humans think we—gestures vaguely at own scales—are secretly ruling their governments. Plip (gasping): What!? We can barely run the coffee machine on this ship! Zorblax: Apparently some humans think shape-shifting lizards control world politics. Plip: Excuse me!? We tried shape-shifting ONCE and I got stuck as a sofa for three days. Who is running a planet like that? Zorblax: And they think we eat fear. Plip: Why would we eat fear? Fear gives me hives. Remember the meteor incident? I puffed up like a pufferfish. Zorblax: Then there’s this theory that our cousins, the Greys, are “future humans who lost the ability to feel.” Plip: Lost the ability to feel? They cry during every romantic nebula documentary. EVERY. TIME. Especially when the stars drift apart at the end. Zorblax: (whispers) And the thing about hybridization programs? Plip: Hybrid what now? They can’t even keep a cactus alive on their ships, let alone run breeding experiments. Zorblax: Humans also believe their leaders get assassinated and replaced with clones. Plip: Clones!? Do they realize that the last clone we made kept repeating the word “spatula” for six hours? We had to unplug him. Zorblax: And get this—they think the Ra Collective is some omnipotent super-entity. Plip: (rolls eyes) Ra? The ones who forget their keys every millennium? They’re lovely, but if they were all-powerful, the Great Cosmic Microwave wouldn’t have exploded last century. Zorblax: Apparently their phone towers collect “negative human emotions” and beam it to underground reptilians. Plip: Well that explains why when I tried to connect to Earth Wi-Fi it told me, “Password incorrect: try again, lizard overlord.” Zorblax: But amid the nonsense… something interesting. Some humans are starting to remember us. Plip: (stunned) You mean… the starseeds? Zorblax: Yes. Our representatives. The ones who volunteered to incarnate into those… (shudders) meatsuits. Plip: Poor things. I tried on a human body once for Halloween. Everything hurt. There were bones! Bending! Gravity! And emotions leaking out everywhere! Zorblax: Yet somehow, despite the confusion… the conspiracy noise… the spiritual chaos… A few of them are waking up beautifully. Plip: Yeah. They’re remembering their origin. Their mission. That’s not easy with the veil dissolving and everyone yelling about shape-shifting lizards. Zorblax: (straightens up) To our starseeds down there… You’re doing well. Better than expected. We know the density is heavy, the guidance spotty, the memes confusing. Plip: But we see you. And we’re proud of you for remembering—even a little bit—why you came. Zorblax: Shall we land now? Plip: (after checking news feed) …Maybe give it an hour. They’re currently accusing their toaster of being a Draco operative. Both: sigh

Watch this video of just two guys casually unpacking the whole ‘lizzies’ story
— it’s surprisingly entertaining!


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